Backer-Inners

Are you a backer-inner?  ‘Cause I don’t understand backer-inners.  Mostly because only two percent of that population subset is capable of what seems to be the Rubik’s Cube of motor vehicle skills. Ok, Batman and some over-the-road truck drivers have it figured out but the remaining 98 percent are lot clogging, sideways parking misfits!  Daily I find myself hostage in a parking lot by a backer-inner slowly docking their beige Buick equivalent of a Carnival Cruise ship. And when they exit their ride they offer the “manly nod of understanding” as if I get it.  I don’t.

So what or who is a “backer-inner?” (Being a peeve, I’ve been paying close attention to this mysterious group of drivers.) From my experience, backer-inners are white men between the ages of 68 and 110 whose necks don’t work.  Seldom will you see a backer-inner (from now on referred to as a BI) that has any sense of spacial symmetry or  situational awareness.  Now I say “seldom” because I have a friend that was a tank commander in the military who is indeed Batman. He can whip his large SUV into a tiny parking spot and be exactly equidistant between the yellow lines, while parking his civilian tank in mere seconds. And to my knowledge he hasn’t been responsible for pet fatalities or crushed parking signs. Why he chooses to be a backer-inner is unknown.  I think it’s just an old-habits-die-hard tank thing. I never asked his wife if he has a cape and tights. (Some things are better left private.)

I’ve watched several BI’s execute their prolonged preferred parking method, snaking into a clearly marked stall only to exit their vehicles with a dumbfounded expression at the cattywampus position of their minivan. But instead of correcting their double-spaced docking there is typically a “good ‘nuff” head shake and a slow stroll away.  I’ve seen BI’s back into buildings, signs, parking barriers, lawns, and landscape. I’ve had BI’s back in so closely to my truck that I’ve had to climb through my passenger door and over my console like an astronaut climbing into a space capsule to escape a parking lot. 

So why… WHY… for the love of God do they back in?  It makes no sense.  Either way they have to back in one direction to enter or exit.  Is it more prevalent at restaurants, with over caffeinated old guys needing a getaway-car escape to drive home to relieve themselves?  Is it a throwback to their younger years with muscle cars at the drive-in? Do they see back-in zig zagging as a safer alternative to the more visible direct straight-ahead approach? 

And why aren’t women backer-inners? A lot of my married male friends and insurance agent would probably have a strong opinion on this but we eventually have to close our eyes to sleep. Maybe it’s as simple as women are task-oriented and just zip straight in, then zip straight out, occasionally using mirrors for visual cues. Maybe the fairer sex lacks the patience to backward braille their way into a parking stall. Or maybe, just maybe they know intuitively that backing in is just dumb and unnecessary. (With Batman and tank drivers being the exception of course.)

I’d like to have bumper stickers made that I can slap on the bumper of the BI’s that say something fitting… like, “I Used The Backup Camera And Still Can’t Park”… or “This Looked Better From Inside.”

I hope that if I’m ever compelled to join the ranks of the frozen-necked over-caffeinated spastic bladder  backer-inners someone close to me steals my keys!