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I have the answer and it’s simple, obvious, and validated. It doesn’t require science, political division or fear of missteps, misunderstanding, or hyper-religious interpretation. Often the most obvious answer is the right one.

I laughed when I first heard the question on national media. Not because of the ridiculousness of the question (as if the concept is ineffable, like defining love or the vastness of the universe) but because I immediately had the answer. Yes, Vince, who struggled to be a B student and considered changing his last name to “Offenwrong,” had the answer.

So what is the question?

What is a woman?

Now hear me out. I realize that most of us are fatigued by the coverage of what seems to be one of the most obvious and binary either-or’s in the history of questions. Forget about science and biology and physical attributes that drive us knuckle-dragging neanderthals out of our minds. Although that’s clearly part of the “package,” the answer is simpler, exposed, and continually validated in spite of “feelings” or “identity.”

ANSWER: A “woman” is a human individual that is always right. Period. End of definition. And I don’t mean that to sound misogynistic. It’s merely the accumulation of vast stores of experiential knowledge gained from decades of exposure to those who are correct (and also smell good and have really nice skin and hair). OK, it sounds snarky so let me offer an example to validate my definition. And truly there are millions of examples, half of which pertain to driving and navigation and anything produced by Apple.

I live with a correct “woman.” She is always right. And her right-ness makes me question how I’ve navigated life from there to here without losing a limb or finding myself forced to live in a hollow tree in the forest, surviving on ants and grubs.

The other day I was mounting a new toilet paper holder in our bathroom. I’m kinda handy and have a system for these kinds of things and honestly didn’t think I needed supervision. I was wrong.

I taped the paper template to the wall before drilling holes for the wall anchors. I didn’t like the anchors that came with the fixture so I went out to my shop to grab some better ones. When I got back Bekki was standing in the bathroom doorway with her hands on her hips.

“It’s crooked,” she said.

I explained that it wasn’t and that I had used a nifty invention called a “level” that ancient Egyptians used to build the pyramids and stuff.

“I’m telling you it’s crooked… leaning to the right,” she said convincingly.

“I’m telling you.” That’s a specifically XX phrase. Women “tell” us stuff that we couldn’t possibly know otherwise because they have an inherent Rosetta Stone of knowledge in their genome that XY’s were not gifted.

She walked away. I quietly closed the door and locked myself in the bathroom to complete the project…unsupervised. I then vacuumed the floor, gathered my tools, and went back to my shop to put everything away. When I came back into the house she was again standing in the bathroom doorway.

“It looks great! Seeee…I’m glad you fixed it.” She said.

I didn’t respond. Sometimes it’s just easier to let XX’s win. And I had no proof that the template was indeed dead-nuts accurate using only my archaic Egyptian technology instead of having level-headed eagle-eyed double-exer supervision.

But women do it to each other too. And they understand and accept it… because they are in fact “women” who also have the Rosetta Stone of knowledge. So if you see a group of people with nice hair and skin that smell good and you hear, “I’m telling you…” and they’re all nodding in agreement, then you know they’re XXers by definition.

XYers would scoff and walk away or beat each other up.

This is not us.  Not the us I’ve known most of my life.  Not the us my parents or their parents would recognize. Every generation of parents at some point shakes their heads in disbelief and declares the end of days. But this is different. Even during the scariest and unhealthiest points in our past we’ve maintained hope; a sense of certainty founded in the belief that our very foundation couldn’t be undone.  That confidence seems shaken, if not gone.

I don’t give a shit if you subscribe to the societal decay called the “new normal.”  You’re wrong. There’s nothing normal about it. If you do, you’re just another misguided idiot collectively responsible for national failure.  But “they” have you convinced that you’re part of a righteous majority.

Back in the day it was edgy and cool to be a trendsetter; to go your own way and race life’s road less travelled. Those that did were seen as somehow bigger than life – dangerous – drawing every breath with devil-may-care exuberance, making the more tentative water-testers among us envious and somehow smaller.  They were the risk-takers.  The indestructibles.  The ones who threw caution to the wind regardless of what direction it was blowing. The iconic ones that could rationalize the risk/reward equation on the fly while water-testers watched from the edge of the pool. And by pushing beyond the safety of convention they molded America into the world leader in education, industry, finance, medicine, technology, military strength, sports, and music. They were the female and male heroes that the world strived to emulate.

But trends change.  The definition of success and even beauty has morphed to levels of the extreme… an American addiction… with nothing being exactly good enough.  We’ve now drawn on our bodies – even faces – referring to the natural beauty of our skin as “canvas.”  We’ve pierced, stretched, scarred, implanted, and otherwise defiled the human form in the name of self-expression and uniqueness.  And now everyone looks the same.  Again.  

Who would have guessed that even birth gender could be questioned, dismissed, and “reassigned” – with the expectation of absolute societal acceptance – even if the result is an obvious violation of civil liberties, including; safety, fairness, and human dignity.

But we’re better for it, right?  We’re stronger, healthier, smarter, kinder and more socially aware.  Let’s face it, we’re not.  Our society has become fractured, pathetically weak, addicted, poor, lazy, unhealthy, undereducated and ignorant, over-medicated, mean-spirited, narcissistic, completely self-absorbed… and dependent on the very monster that has crushed civilized societies throughout human history. 

And to ensure our social death spiral we ignore and rewrite history.  Our education system has been directed to not look back.  There’s an occasional glance in the review mirror but only if that fits the narrative of our abhorrent driving record and the innocent bloodied bodies we’ve left strewn in the road, and then only to foment anger and hatred for our culture.

Our current national icons are a snapshot of the disease that is America in the 21st century.  Ignorance and vulgarity, to the point of dipshittery, are the norm and Americans follow the disgusting lack of leadership in lemming-like conformity.  We’re so starved for leadership that we cling to anyone that gives us the slightest sense of hope and direction.  So we end up with leaders that we wouldn’t trust to walk our dogs much less guarantee our national wellbeing. Yet we allow it, falling into a kind of malaise born of hopeless frustration.  Kind of like being sick for so long that we’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel well, so we reluctantly swallow a double-dose of NyQuill just to sleep through the illness.

Have we reached the point of such despair that we’ve lost our fight for basic human dignity? Are we really that hopelessly lost and dependent that we expect others to do the work?  Oh, that’s right, based on lies and false promises we’ve hired a gaggle of misfits that have held political office for the past few decades in our “Representative Democracy”.  Let’s face it, we’re not being governed, we’re being subjugated.

Where’s your fight?  Where’s your outrage?  Where are the feminists I knew in college that were part of the struggle for recognition and equality that are now turning a blind eye to the mental cases with dicks that are pretending to be women so they can win a trophy?  Where are the parents that I knew that would kill or die to protect their children from harm yet allow a born-again woman with a dick the “right” to use a bathroom shared by their young child? I can’t stand you and your silence in the name of social acceptance or fear of being branded “moral,” “right,” or “white.”

Nothing should be blindly accepted.  Our parents questioned authority and the motives of anyone or group that told them what to do. But we’re the next generation.  We’re smarter and more aware.  We’re vaccinated and wear masks.  We look to geniuses like Hollywood actors, millionaire douchebags that play catch for a living, spokespeople controlled by foreign governments, agenda-driven twats like Bill Gates and Tony Fauci, and media personalities that have no formal training or experience in anything relevant to the opinions they espouse.  And what do we have to show for it?  Rampant confusion, dysphoria, and fragility; the trifecta of weakness and failure, allowing for the silent forfeiture of sovereignty. 

Our government has created this nightmare with the best of intentions but the system became too large and corrupt.  We’ve made it too easy to simply exist with no effort.  Our politicians have confused unalienable rights with personal and national responsibility. We’ve been conditioned to believe that everyone  deserves wealth, success, and happiness and we’ve lived that lie for decades.  We were given a gift by birthright; the opportunity for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. None of it is automatic, free, or guaranteed. The meek will not inherit the earth.  They will always be ruled.