Something happened with hugs. It happened in a short span of time; the leapfrog period of my youth till now. Hugs for me are a personal connection between family and close friends, when a handshake is not enough and a kiss is too much (or inappropriate).
But something happened. A hug evolution. Hugs used to be a full-frontal embrace: A greeting or goodbye. Consensual physical contact between willing participants, with a brief – or prolonged (depending on context) – arm wrap, like two constrictors meeting in the rainforest.
Most hugs now are sterile…tentative. Hugs are one of the things in life that require full participation. You have to be all-in. Anything less is like parking crooked between the lines.
The new evolved hug is a tentative lean-in sideways shoulder bump. It’s more like two big horn sheep meeting on the side of mountain than an embrace. And because I’m an “all-in” hug guy, I invariably find myself with my arms around someone that has their shoulder stuck in the center of my chest and their head recoiling in the opposite direction. It’s the new sideways hug.
For a long time I’ve internalized the side hug. I find myself sniffing my shirt post-hug to see if there’s some kind of offensive odor wafting off my old self. I over analyze the hug, wondering if my co-hugger perceived me as a threat… some kind of masher. As far as I know I’ve never approached a hug scenario drooling, with arms outstretched, ogling my intended hugee with maniacal laughter. (Ok, maybe a few times but it seemed situationally appropriate.)
So why the side hug? Why do most women who initiate a hug, pivot at the last minute (on short final when they’re committed to landing), spinning to profile and lean in, dropping a bony shoulder into my chest?
I understand the trendy bro hug between guys. I mean, the lean-in hand shake shoulder bump with a couple of grunted unintelligible words seems more normal between guys. It’s a throwback to game day, when guys congratulate each other after sparring for a few hours. And the shoulder-bump bro hug is less likely to be perceived as unmanly or too touchy-feely.
My wife’s not a hugger and always pivots on my hug approach, like a nervous gazelle attempting to dash away from a crocodile infested watering hole. It’s like hugging a life-size popsicle stick.
I was at a party recently. All of my wife’s friends clearly feel socially obligated to hug even though they don’t know me. And because I’ve become more aware of “side-huggers,” every greeting and goodbye was more like bumping into strangers on a crowded elevator than a friendly embrace, with the only acceptable points of physical contact being a three by three inch area of inner shoulder.
It would appear that hugs have become more obligatory than desired. Maybe hugs are just too invasive for most people and should be reserved for more honest personal interaction. And I completely understand how an obligatory hug could have a forced and creepy too-personal undertone. But honestly, unless you’re being “hugged” by a leg-humping water spaniel, a social-greeting hug has no sexual context! It’s a simple friendly embrace.
In spite of trendy societal expectations, If you’re uncomfortable with a hug and are compelled to side hug, just fist bump me. We’ll both be more comfortable.
Great article… I am a hugger!!!