This is a note for guys. Younger guys. I’m thinkin’ guys my age (over 50) may have had more guidance on stuff from a dad or older brother that thought just about anything could be fixed with duct tape, iodine, or a good slap. I don’t claim to have all of the answers to life’s complexities but I’ve been around a while, made a million mistakes, and have had the opportunity to raise a couple of successful kids, coach a bunch of teams, and work with a group of talented professional guys that perform like a pit crew.
Here are some things I’ve learned that apparently no one has told you but they’re important socially and professionally. I’m not going to number them because none is more important than any other. Call them Uncle Vinny’s tips for survival and success.
Never forget that perception is reality. I was going to spell that out but honestly, if it needs to be explained, stop reading this and go back to gaming.
Walk quickly, with purpose; like you’re going somewhere and have a mission. (If you need a motivator, act like it’s Taco Tuesday and you’re five burritos and a pitcher into a binge when suddenly nature presents an imminent emergency.) Slow-movers appear unmotivated. And everyone sees it. As an employer, there’s nothing more telling than seeing a guy slothing through his job then miraculously turning into Usain Bolt at the end of a shift.
Keep your hands outta your pockets. Unless you need a quick adjustment, standing with your hands in your pockets makes you look lazy or like a midnight cowboy. Neither is good and no one wants the nickname “Pockets.”
Bathroom etiquette 101: When you enter a men’s room and see a bank of urinals, don’t nuzzle up next to a guy that was there before you. If a guy’s at position one, go to position five… or at least three (leaving a “cushion” station)….even if it means using the one for hobbits. Guys are like dogs… we’re vulnerable when we’re in squat position. And for God’s sake, don’t sing show tunes or start up a conversation until you’re zipped up and washing your hands! OK, the two exceptions are stadium restrooms or if you’re with a group of buddies. We’ve all seen that free-for-all.
Bathroom etiquette 102: Wash your hands. I don’t want to touch your junk every time I touch a door handle or light switch.
Break your phone addiction. Ween yourself from technology that was designed to be addictive. I know, I know… it’s like crack and it’s your only way to “stay connected.” That’s simply bullshit. Put it down. Turn it off when possible. In a short time you’ll be amazed how much better you’ll feel. When historians look back at our culture and the “digital age” they’ll undoubtedly refer to cell phones as electronic ball and chains.
Hold a door… for everyone. It’s not a race and it doesn’t mean you have “tendencies” if you hold a door for another guy.
Stay engaged and you’ll control your destiny. Don’t think so? Look around at your competition! Practice not being distracted by the next thing shiny and fully complete tasks. You’ll find it much easier moving in a linear flow from one project to the next rather than leapfrogging. NO, it’s not multi-tasking, it’s disorganization and takes twice the time and yields half-assed results.
AGAIN….Stop lights are not light trees.
Be responsible… with family and relationships, friends, your job, pets, whatever you’re driving, your house or apartment, and your country. Your world is like a goldfish bowl. It requires attention. How much effort you give will determine whether your life is a clean bowl with pretty blue stones and a goofy undersea castle with happy fish or a cloudy, neglected, stagnant mess with “floaters.”
Don’t just hear, listen…to old people, your family and friends, authority… and your moral compass. Don’t listen to ninnies and actors. We pay actors to pretend to be someone else. That’s the end of the relationship. They don’t know anymore than you about anything (except acting) . Ditto for athletes. They play catch.
Stay healthy and active throughout your life. Our cultural shift toward physical stagnation and sedentary existence is destroying our collective physical and mental health and has all but crushed our ability to create. We are better as a country of participants rather than spectators.
Brush your teeth. No you don’t. Brush your teeth.
Be kind to kids, sick and old people, and pets. There is no such thing as a bad kid or a bad dog. They just need different levels of finesse and love. There are however shitty parents and pet owners that create monsters. All monsters are ultimately destroyed or self destruct. You can choose not to be one AND you can save one. If you’re a monster, do humanity a favor…don’t breed.
We come into and leave the world needing help, love, and attention. Children, the sick, and elderly didn’t ask to be vulnerable and need our help. They face the Bogeyman everyday and just need someone to hold their hand. And the wheel of fortune being what it is, we’ve been there before and will find ourselves there again during our journey.
Stay in control. Remember, next time you have a road tantrum or come unglued (anywhere) there is always someone stronger, nastier, and more skilled that simply won’t put up with you.
Don’t settle down until you find a unicorn. (Yes there are.) If you don’t, your marriage will be like winter… harder to take every year… until you move… somewhere warm(er).