There’s something going on with money. I mean, not the typical shortage I’ve been dealing with since I was ten. I’m talking about the general condition of cash. It’s ratty. Tattered. Toilet paper money.
This is one of four bills I got back as change this morning when I zipped through the McDonalds drive-through for coffee. To the extent of condition, they were all brothers. One had a burn hole. Why not? At the time it made sense. The rusted car in front of me had at least three different sized tires, no back window or muffler, and a coexist bumper sticker. The pass-along bills continued the theme of a carefree disheveled life.
I’ve always had respect for money. Not so much because it’s a symbol of America and has pictures of our founding fathers (because I keep hearing that they were just a bunch of slave-owner bastards anyway) but because I know what it takes to earn and keep it. And I’ll admit, I’m kinda compulsive about how I hold my cash: Little guys in front… big guys in back…heads all facing up…looking in the same direction… because that’s the way they’d like it. And no dog-eared corners.
“Mutes” (mutilated bills) are tipping money or something to unload on the kids if they need a couple of bucks. Mutes are relegated to the assisted living/special needs section of my wallet for easy identification and quick removal.
The mutes are taking over. It used to be that there were only George mutes. Now there are zombie bills in every denomination. Kinda makes me wonder if the government’s not printing replacements and is planning a massive currency revision, you know, something more meaningful and relevant than images of the slave-owning men that founded our nation. That’s old news and boring to a populous that thinks that Washington, DC is somewhere north of California and that Abe Lincoln was president during World War II when the Chinese attacked the Twin Towers.
What happened to Harriet? I thought she was set to replace Andy on the 20. It was either the slave thing again or people don’t like his hair. (As founding fathers go, he had the best hair and would definitely be the bass player in a band if he was around today.)
I think the Harriet $20 would be a mistake. Not because she’s a black woman but because schools don’t teach history anymore and only a few “scholars” will know she was a Union spy, abolitionist, and leader of the Underground Railroad. (The Underground Railroad was not a band in the 90’s.) If I was designing currency I would shy away from vague personalities and historical figures that could become the brunt of jokes by anti-American assholes like Trevor Noah. Gotta “keep it real!” RELEVANCE! I would never carry a twenty if they started calling them “Mrs. Butterworth bucks.”
I’d hate to see our currency change. I’m a revolutionist, not a revisionist. Our government has a history of bad currency decisions. No? Remember the two dollar bill? It’s still in circulation but more of a novelty and collector item than a traditional greenback. (Thomas Jefferson’s on that one… and the signing of the Declaration of Independence.) What about the dollar coin that looks like a gold quarter? I think they made that one to annoy blind people. But then again, all American money looks, feels and smells the same. There’s no way to tell bills apart in the dark.
We could make colored Monopoly money like some of our foreign trading partners. Euros are color-coded; the dumbed-down currency equivalent of a roundabout. You know, because people can’t figure out four-way traffic intersections either and give the two finger “you-go-first” wave… or the sign of the cross… before closing their eyes and punchin’ it.
If we’re going to change the design of currency it should be like Wheaties boxes; changing constantly to stay fresh and relevant. Keepin’ it real. Just think of it… There could be the NFL and NBA series. COME ON! Who (besides me) doesn’t want to see Tom Brady or LeBron James on the $100!
The possibilities are endless. Snoop Dogg $50’s; squinting eyes and a blunt hanging from his lips, with a hologram of smoke hazing up his image as you move the bill side to side. Caitlyn Jenner on the $3. (Wait… we don’t have threes. We could make one for Caitlin and his peeps.) We could have the Rock series… Slash from Guns N’ Roses on the $10, rockin’ out with his signature top hat. We could even have the Foreign Dignitary series, honoring personalities that are bringing about world sociopolitical change. Rose colored Angela Merkel bills; a picture of her vacant stare on the front and a scene of immigrants pouring over the German border on the back, with a star inside a crescent moon in each corner.
THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS! And then the government could easily confiscate old money and reissue whenever they want, you know, to keep the currency thing “real” and relevant, and controlled.
Wait a minute… did I use the words “government,” “confiscate,” “money,” and “control” in the same sentence?
I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Whatever they decide to do I hope they use glow in the dark ink. I LOVE stuff that glows in the dark.
Unfortunately we live in a society where too many people have a sense of entitlement. There are too many people getting something for nothing which will most assuredly lead to a lack of respect for things handed to them. If you give a kid one present, they appreciate it. If a child is given numerous presents, they become spoiled and don’t appreciate anything. If you make that kid work for what they get they will value it. Since too many people don’t work for what they get, they have no sense of value or respect for the “handout”! Our culture cares about the hear and now too much to care about or even know who’s picture is on the currency. Considering the fact that history is not being properly taught, there is little consideration for the contribution that was made by the founders or any respect given to them. Is it any wonder it’s not easy being green!