I don’t get America’s infatuation with royalty. The royal wedding was a couple of weeks ago and news on every channel was clogged with coverage of something more inane than live poker on TV. I find English royalty completely irrelevant and honestly contrary to who we are as Americans. Really? Princes and princesses in the 21st century? Queens with crowns and scepters? Throngs of media outside the “royal birth hospital,” waiting in giddy anticipation for the revealing of the baby-name honoring some medieval monarch? But that’s important (to US)? The “royal” kid is in a long snaking chain of heirs to the English throne and has as much impact on America as my preferred brand of toilet paper.
I blame Disney. Every little girl in America has grown up with princesses and developed some kind of Cinderella syndrome at an early age, conditioned to believe that there is some evil wrongdoer in her life – typically an older woman – and that some prince in tights will sashay into her life, sweeping her off her feet to a life of luxury at a shiny palace.
Every story, without exception, has a princess from some kind of twisted dysfunctional background. I didn’t realize how slanted the storylines are until I became overexposed from wearing out Disney DVDs when my kids were little.
Look at Cinderella. Orphaned. Abused by an evil stepmother (because stepmothers are pure unadulterated evil) and bullied by two less than attractive stepsisters (because stepsisters are always ugly and mean girls are competitive boyfriend-stealers). And then there’s the handsome yet superficial prince that is taken with Cinderella’s looks. She doesn’t talk so I’m pretty sure they weren’t comparing notes on current events; that is to say, the pumpkin harvest, talking mice, etc. I mean, why not? She showed up to the royal ball in a prom dress and perfect hair. Guys like prom dresses and perfect hair…and tiny feet.
Belle from Beauty and the Beast; again no mom. Crazy dad. Kind of a bookworm but adventurous. Keeps trying to dodge a boyfriend that kills stuff and roughs her up. Hooks up with a monster who coincidently is under the spell of yet another older evil woman. He screams at Belle all the time and bosses her around. GREAT!
Ariel from Little Mermaid. No mom. Loud controlling father. Evil witch in her life trying to destroy her.
Snow White. No mother. Father died when she was little. Aside from the obvious weirdness of hanging out in a cave with seven mining midgets, she’s at mortal odds with an older woman (an evil stepmother) who hates her for her beauty and keeps trying to feed her poisoned food. But again, this one’s saved by the unconscious kiss from a guy she doesn’t know (yeah, a prince) after being roofied. (Don’t confuse that one with Sleeping Beauty. Similar plot.)
SHIT! Should kids be watching this?
It’s too late, evidenced by the most popular big and little girl’s Halloween costumes…and OBSCENELY priced wedding dresses. The royal fantasy has been fully engrained in our culture; a veritable syllabus of female expectations for life. But here’s the problem… I’M NOT A PRINCE! I’m a frog. And as I look around, there’s a lotta frogs and not a whole lotta guys in tights with perfect hair that live in castles.
There is no American royalty. Well, there’s Kanye and the Kardashians. I suppose they see themselves as American royalty. And overpaid pro sports players who appear to be above the law. Yeah, I guess they’re treated like royalty. And the Hollywood elite. They sure act like red-carpet royalty, assuming they have a voice in American politics and social policy. And politicians, they seem to behave like royalty. I mean, not dignified English royalty, just frogs that are better than the rules reserved for commoners, I mean American voters.
THERE IS NO AMERICAN ROYALTY!
And as hard as this one tries, she ain’t MY queen mum. Maybe if they stuffed her in a prom dress and glass slippers instead of her trademark Chairman Mao outfit during the next election cycle she’d have a better showing.
…This one either…. Beyonce. She has lost her mind and clearly has a Maleficent thing going on. Note to costumers: If you’re hellbent on dressing like the “horned queen,” spend a little time on a treadmill. (Remember, we superficial frogs like prom dresses, perfect hair, and tiny feet. See Cinderella above.)
The other day, out of the clear blue, my wife looked me square in the eyes and said, “I’d really like a tiara.”
Yeah, I bit. “Why?” I asked.
“Because I like them and I could walk around and look like a princess,” she said.
This is where I stare… like a confused frog….
I’m selling my Disney stock.