I’m Sick of the Middle East

I’m sick of the Middle East.  I’m sick of hearing about it.  I’m sick of our military being involved in their biblical mayhem.  I’m sick of the threat it presents to the West. And I’m sick of their imperialistic and jingoistic approach to world politics in the name of religion.  If I lived two thousand years ago, I would be sick of the Middle East.

The Middle East is a biblical problem.  Their issues will never be resolved.  From my moderately informed perspective, it would appear that they fight more for entertainment than political gain, invoking the name of their God as THE source of righteousness.  And not to say they’re wrong, but it’s simply bullshit to me and I don’t care.  I don’t care about Shiites and Sunnis or whose great great great grand uncle (a true descendant of the one true God) was wronged twelve generations ago.  No shit.  I don’t care.  What I care about is the impact their misguided geographical fervor has on the United States and our allies.

It seems when the Middle Eastern players lose track of or get bored with what they’re fighting about, they turn to their historical adversary; the great Satan, Israel.  (Not the other second greatest Satan, the United States.  We’re relegated to Miss Congeniality status behind Israel because they’ve been around longer to hate.)

America has stood by its Jewish Middle Eastern ally through thick and thin, knowing that the odds are not in its favor.  It’s been like watching the orphaned little kid from the wrong side of the tracks, walking to school every day through the rough side of town with his little blue backpack, openly carrying his lunch money past groups of bullies with baseball bats.  It’s not a matter of if, it’s when.  And the “when” appears to be getting closer with Iran’s newly American-funded nuclear aspirations.  And when Israel is attacked, there will be no recovery.  No forty year trek through the desert. No Seven Day War.  No Palestinian conflict.  Only a true and thorough holocaust.

I have a solution.  It sounds tongue-in-cheek and absurd but in reality it is a “negotiation” for which everyone wins.  First, Israel will give a one-finger salute to the collective Middle East, surrendering The Promised Land. “Promised?”  Seriously?  It’s a shithole under constant strife with the entirety of its population under continual threat.  For what?  Biblical bragging rights?  Old story.  Old argument.  Unsustainable and unresolvable…because it’s a biblical feud. (I watched Moses with Chuck Heston and the bald guy.  It’s been going on a while.)

Secondly, move the entirety of Israel to the southwestern United States. All of their stuff, including historical landmarks.  Some of the Arabs might argue that they have historical rights to some of the “landmarks.”  That’ll be part of the negotiation.  If they want the Jews to leave, they have to let them take some stuff in return.  If not, it all ultimately goes away in a ball of flaming gas and glass anyway.

Let New Israel set up shop with state-like autonomy while allowing them to enjoy the protections of the United States (which they have now anyway at our expense).  This would allow for extremely productive immigration that would contribute to both America’s Gross National Product and tax base.

Third, in return for safe domicile in the US, make New Israel THE wall.  From the necessity for self-preservation, Israelis have become extremely proficient at border security, that is to say threat identification and mitigation. They would be in charge of the southern border, following rules established by the United States.  Israel has an established military that could serve as a branch of the United States Armed Forces; that is to say, the new and effective Border Security Force. The new Border Security Force would be an effective alternative to the currently understaffed and under-equipped U.S. Border Patrol.  This would also eliminate the need for the US military to serve in a support capacity for the Border Patrol.

Fourth, NO Israeli casinos.  Vegas and Natives have a lock on that.  No reason to create additional conflict.

Clearly New Israel could never happen.  Heels from both sides are so entrenched in historical bickering that there is no logical outcome short of Armageddon.  It’s hard to have a logical negotiation when both sides believe they are chosen by a higher order, while people across the table are held beneath contempt.  But at some point America must separate itself from this biblical fray.