I’m in my long count to 10, currently holding at between 7 and 8. Counting’s gotten easier since having high-schoolers. As fate would have it, family gatherings seem to be the hardest drain on my countin’ battery. Let’s just say that there’s no greater draw on the ole “battry” than the alcohol-fueled rant of an in law who sees me as plaid-panted cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation. But it’s good to know exactly how people feel about me, even if it means gettin’ poked with a sharp stick now and then.
My count began during a seemingly endless discussion about government conspiracy with my brother in law, who I hadn’t pegged for a tin-foil-hat minion. He was incensed by my “ignorance” of the government’s plan to alter weather through….wait for it… cloud seeding the upper atmosphere to reduce global warming, you know, by creating man-made haze to refract the scorching rays of the sun. And how could I be so stupid, close-minded, and ill-informed as to not understand what’s going on!
THE CON TRAILS! DON’T YOU SEE THEM? THERE WERE NEVER CON TRAILS EVERYWHERE WHEN WE WERE KIDS! DON’T YOU WATCH THE NEWS VINCE! DON’T YOU SEE WHAT’S GOING ON?
I watch Fox News but honestly wasn’t aware that the X Files had a news channel. I mean, Dana Scully’s cute and all but I would only watch her spew entertaining conspiracy factoids because she’s eerily hot and I’ve always had a thing for gingers.
I’m not a black helicopter guy and have never fallen into the dark over-thought hand-wringing rubik’s cube reality of government conspiracy. YES, we did land on the moon. It wasn’t a movie set in the Mojave Desert. Lee Harvey alone killed JFK. 9-11 really happened… and it was jihadists. The con trails in the sky are really water vapor created by jet engines, not atmospheric “seeding” to block the sun’s rays in a clandestine effort to reduce global warming by creating a smoke shield to block the sun’s rays or to dispose of fluoride; the supposed evil byproduct of nuclear science. (That’s what the government created toothpaste for!)
Mr. Oppenheimer, nuclear energy has ended the savagery of World War II and forever changed the world. But what about all this stuff that leaches from nuclear fuel?
Ahhhhh…. I and the dark geniuses have already figured that out. We will call it fluoride and tell the world that it WILL PREVENT TOOTH DECAY! WE WILL SAVE THE TEETH OF THE CHILDREN! BOOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We will put it in the water supply. We will put it in toothpaste. We will make mouthwash and rinses! We will dispose of fluoride without the world ever knowing!
But won’t this “fluoride” go down bathroom drains after brushing?
Well…yeah.
Won’t it eventually find it’s way into everything?
YES! YES! EXACTLY! BOOOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[Brief pause to make a tin foil hat.]
OK, I’m back. Now government satellites can’t read my thoughts. But it’s a little scratchy.
I couldn’t get an answer as to what is in fact being “sprayed” by commercial airliners to haze-up the sky for the American sun shield. I did learn however, that twelve “new” clouds have been identified in recent years. My remark that “they” (scientists, the government, Mulder and Scully, the grays, or whomever) have identified several new species of monkey in the rainforest too but it doesn’t mean that they haven’t been there all along. We’ve just started noticing! But alas, I’m a simpleton. In my reality there are only two types of trees (those with leaves and those with needles) and two types of clouds (the wispy see through ones and the big fluffy ones that make shapes like Snoopy and sea turtles). I must have been sleeping in pilot school when they were talking about clouds. (At least the scary new ones.)
I tried to untangle the pretzel by saying that I had indeed talked to an engineer friend that works for McDonnell Douglas. I had asked her about con trails after having the same discussion years before with the general of generals in the ranks of black helicopter pilots… my dad. She assured me that long con trails are the product of modern efficient engine technology combined with commercial jets flying at higher altitudes.
Pfffffffft! Suuuuuuuuure. That’s a convenient answer from an “engineer” at the heart of the conspiracy! But I believed it because, well, she’s an engineer (and a ginger).
I had a sense of relief and pride when my son Joe rescued me after realizing that Vinny’s anti-aircraft battery was fully armed and about to be deployed. “Hey dad, can you take Katie and me out to your shop and show her what you just built?” He realized that I was unable or unwilling to extricate myself from the fray. I’m physically capable of walking away but have the frustrating genetic trait of being mentally incapable of retreat, even in hopelessly lost situations.
In the end there are no right or wrong answers. As a wise old friend used to calmly say when we’d agree to disagree, “Vince, opinions are like assholes…. Everybody’s got one.” Damn it! Come to think of it he was probably calling me an asshole too!
If there are dark conspiracies, like government cloud seeding and whatever else the black helicopters are up to, I’m content living in my “ignorant” simplistic reality. The reality where con trails are con trails. Where our government can’t get organized enough to pass a healthcare bill, much less alter the earth’s climate. But for those believers (in…ummmm…black helicopters, not Santa and the Easter Bunny) the truth is out there….