Man up! Can’t you be more sensitive? I need romance. Don’t touch me. Do you always have to touch me? Is that all you think about? Be a man!
To answer all of that… OK. Yes. Me too. Why not? Yes! Yes. I am… Let me be one.
This is a message for our society; men and women. You have created the androgynous troll identified as the modern male. Women have been the driving force behind the transformation and men have passively accepted our evolution under threat of persecution, prosecution, and (God help us) blue-balled abstinence.
There has been an effort for at least the past generation to make our society “fair,” that is to say, gender neutral. And what do we have to show for it? Rampant sexual confusion, boy tears, an explosion of failed marriages and relationships, anger, skinny jeans, and man buns. And now there’s the ever-present face fur to validate waning male sexuality. Kids, your scraggly wispy facial hair does not work with your flaccid bodies, girl pants, and scrunchies holding the tiny wads of hair on top of your heads! Unless you’re a lumberjack, shave. You look ridiculous and unkempt. And if you’re not proficient at killing with a katana, get rid of the top knot.
You want to look and act like a man? Get and stay active. Turn your mind-numbing electronics off and engage in life. In real life, “gaming” means meeting your compadres at the gym or park for a workout or pick-up game and then a cold one after, not sitting in your man panties “living” in digital reality. Go through your clothes and buy new stuff – man stuff – that fits your body. Throw your skinny girl pants and pajama bottoms away. Get dirty at least once a week. Yeah, that means gunk under your finger nails and maybe a sliver or a cut. Create something. Anything. It’s in your genetics. Write. Draw. Paint. Build a catapult. Make a pie. Learn to read a ruler (and not just the lines where the big numbers are). Embrace your inner Leonardo or Ragnar Lothbrok and don’t let anyone cage him. And be decisive. There are few things worse than a man that cannot make clear decisions without prolonged pondering over simple alternatives. When in doubt, have the steak.
Equally important, treat women like women. They are the “fairer” sex, not your grade school pals that you used to play tag with. They’re built and wired differently. They’re not programmed to find humor in (or appreciation for) startling body noises. Hold a door. Carry her coat and drink to the table when you’re out so she can walk like a lady and not a pack horse. Listen and make eye contact when she talks. (Emphasis on the eye contact thing because apparently men are incapable of hearing unless our eyes are involved.) As hard as it is, don’t treat intimacy like your favorite 45 seconds of a porno (unless she’s the director!). Maintain control of your emotions. It’s ok to shed a tear (privately) when your dog dies, not in a public preschoolesque display when your boss tells you to put your cellphone away.
Why do these things? Simple…If you don’t someone else will.
An exasperated female friend recently said, “where have all the cowboys gone?” The answer is simple. They’re still here….everywhere… they’ve just been stripped of their spurs and six-shooters. Cowboys have been told to speak softly, be docile and not engage, because that could possibly be perceived as aggression… the new societal taboo… aggressive males. Yet with that “aggression” comes our verve… our passion for life, love, and creativity.
Imagine where we’d be if George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Douglas Macarthur, George Patton, John Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and countless other American heroes, had accepted being “shushed” because their vision – driven by their masculinity – was deemed unacceptable.
Women of America…ask yourselves…honestly… do you want a “man” or a friend to shop with? If you truly want a girlfriend with a penis then your society has succeeded by creating the 21st century soft male. But remember, you’re stuck with your creation. There can’t be rule changing in the middle of the game. Mrs. Frankenstein, you can’t hate your creation for the very reason you loved him. You shouldn’t stray for a cowboy while your rule-following emasculated creation is being “pregnant” with you.
Men of America…ask yourselves…honestly…do you want a “woman” or a buddy with boobs… a handler? Understand that there is no escaping the reminders that are wired into our genetic code; irrepressible markers that surface situationally. Strength. Intensity. Passion. Anger. Leadership.
Ladies, do you wonder why your adult boys game? Think about it. It’s the only acceptable venue within the velvet cage to kill stuff and break shit while being “monitored” for societal conformity. Why are all the extremely violent games popular? Male genetic programming. Zombies my ass! He’s head-axing the society that has turned him into a gelding!
Finally, someone with big enough balls addressing the castration of the American male!